On average, men are twice as likely to use a toilet as a dead horse. Men also spend four times as long in the men’s toilet than females. If the average man visits the toilet twice a day, he can expect to spend two years of his life on the crapper. Adding Theo’s Theory of Kebabary to the mix, whereby the consumption of a kebab adds anywhere between 30 to 60 minutes to the following two to three bowel movements, and taking in to account that the average male will eat 1.6 kebabs a week, we can estimate that the original result needs to be multiplied by 2.5. This means on average men will spend 5 years on the toilet, which coincidently is about the same amount of thime that most males spend thinking about their penis each year. So I figured that seeing as though we males are going to spend so much time in our ‘kebab rebirthing stations’, we may as well set some guidelines for their use.
No eating. Men are incredibly efficient beings and sure, eating on the toilet seems highly efficient; yet efficiency has its time and place. Somewhere between watching the game and sticking your ding dong in your wife’s woo hoo in the commercial breaks, all while eating dinner.
If you enter a rest room with four stalls and they are all empty you must occupy one on either end. If another person is already there, use a stall at the other end. Only when two stalls are ocupado, may you sit directly beside a fellow pooer. If you discover someone in a middle stall when both end stalls are free, you may kick in the door and punch the offender in the nuts with a cordless drill. I recommend using a 14.4V drill for extra punching power.
Sun Tzu may have written the Art of Poo, but like in the public school system, there is no place for art in public lavatories. If you foul the bowl with your bowel, clean it up, nobody wants to see that shit.
In a similar vein, women sit down to urinate. Men stand. From time to time you might find it necessary to take a slash in a toilet. This is only acceptable when either there is no urinal at all, in which case you might want to check you haven’t entered the female toilets, or there is no room available at the urinal. If you cannot stand at urinal without touching another person, then there is not enough room and you are free to use the toilet.
However, should the need ever arise and you find yourself pissing in a toilet, it is advisable, neigh mandatory to lift the seat. While most of us could part the cheeks of a mouse’s arse, there are times when we will inevitably miss the target. A lifted seat prevents any piss on the seat, which I assure you, the next person is even less enamored at the idea of cleaning it than you are.
Under no circumstances is a man to sit down to urinate. This is only acceptable if the act of urination occurs naturally while defecating.
Anything a man does, his actions, sounds, smells or bodily fluids, cannot be held against him while in the sanctuary of the Porcelain God’s, with the exception of these rules. In addition to this, never speak of your bowel movements to another, unless they first provide you with written authorisation to do so. I don’t care if your poo comes out sideways, on a silver platter, shaped like Jesus, adorned with rose petals and tasting like chocolate. So long as it’s all gone when I come along to use it, I don’t want to know.
I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse that doesn’t want to use a toilet here, but cleanliness is paramount. If you can’t have it we’re never going to get dead horses using toilets. And the only thing worse than an unclean toilet is a dead horse shitting on your carpet.
Flogging a Dead Horse
23 February 2010 18:02 PMOn average, men are twice as likely to use a toilet as a dead horse. Men also spend four times as long in the men’s toilet than females. If the average man visits the toilet twice a day, he can expect to spend two years of his life on the crapper. Adding Theo’s Theory of Kebabary to the mix, whereby the consumption of a kebab adds anywhere between 30 to 60 minutes to the following two to three bowel movements, and taking in to account that the average male will eat 1.6 kebabs a week, we can estimate that the original result needs to be multiplied by 2.5. This means on average men will spend 5 years on the toilet, which coincidently is about the same amount of thime that most males spend thinking about their penis each year. So I figured that seeing as though we males are going to spend so much time in our ‘kebab rebirthing stations’, we may as well set some guidelines for their use.
No eating. Men are incredibly efficient beings and sure, eating on the toilet seems highly efficient; yet efficiency has its time and place. Somewhere between watching the game and sticking your ding dong in your wife’s woo hoo in the commercial breaks, all while eating dinner.
If you enter a rest room with four stalls and they are all empty you must occupy one on either end. If another person is already there, use a stall at the other end. Only when two stalls are ocupado, may you sit directly beside a fellow pooer. If you discover someone in a middle stall when both end stalls are free, you may kick in the door and punch the offender in the nuts with a cordless drill. I recommend using a 14.4V drill for extra punching power.
Sun Tzu may have written the Art of Poo, but like in the public school system, there is no place for art in public lavatories. If you foul the bowl with your bowel, clean it up, nobody wants to see that shit.
In a similar vein, women sit down to urinate. Men stand. From time to time you might find it necessary to take a slash in a toilet. This is only acceptable when either there is no urinal at all, in which case you might want to check you haven’t entered the female toilets, or there is no room available at the urinal. If you cannot stand at urinal without touching another person, then there is not enough room and you are free to use the toilet.
However, should the need ever arise and you find yourself pissing in a toilet, it is advisable, neigh mandatory to lift the seat. While most of us could part the cheeks of a mouse’s arse, there are times when we will inevitably miss the target. A lifted seat prevents any piss on the seat, which I assure you, the next person is even less enamored at the idea of cleaning it than you are.
Under no circumstances is a man to sit down to urinate. This is only acceptable if the act of urination occurs naturally while defecating.
Anything a man does, his actions, sounds, smells or bodily fluids, cannot be held against him while in the sanctuary of the Porcelain God’s, with the exception of these rules. In addition to this, never speak of your bowel movements to another, unless they first provide you with written authorisation to do so. I don’t care if your poo comes out sideways, on a silver platter, shaped like Jesus, adorned with rose petals and tasting like chocolate. So long as it’s all gone when I come along to use it, I don’t want to know.
I feel like I’m flogging a dead horse that doesn’t want to use a toilet here, but cleanliness is paramount. If you can’t have it we’re never going to get dead horses using toilets. And the only thing worse than an unclean toilet is a dead horse shitting on your carpet.