Before we get started, I want to get a few things straight. The Infected are still human. They are as intelligent as humans can be and they are susceptible to the same injuries as humans, albeit their pain thresehold may be a little higher than most. They have become infected with a disease that causes them to become aggressive killing machines and therefore they should not be taken for granted. Survivors are what you’re going to be at the end of this guide. Zombies are not infeceted, nor are they are human. They are the dead come back to life and generally lack the coherent brain function of most humans. If you would like to see some Zombies up close and personal, attend the next Nascar meeting. Braaaaaiiins. Accelearrrrrrrrrrate. (that was a pirate zombie). Turn leeeeeeft. Brrrrraaaiiiins. Turrrrrnnn leeeeeft. Like Zombies, Nascar fans crave what the don’t have. Brains. But I digress.
The following survival guide can be used in any survival situation, however the scenario I have chosen is the day when some scientist with a God complex begins to perform experiments on human beings that go so horribly wrong that it causes the downfall of society as we know it. Alternatively the experiments might be driven by Politicians trying to wage a war on a foreign land, or maybe just the natural evolution of the flu. Look, who gives a fuck how it happens, when an Infected is chasing you down the street, the last thing you’re going to think is ‘Gee, I wonder what happened to Bob? He used to be so nice? Is it because I borrowed his lawn mower and didn’t return it full of fuel? Maybe I should just stop and apologise and get Marge to pop on a cuppa’. No, you’re going to be thinking ‘OMG OMG OMG OMG, what the fuck is going on I don’t wanna die!’ all the while running down the street with no idea what you’re gonna do next. Well if you read this guide it should increase your chance of survival immensely.
When the inevitable happens and Infected own our streets, what you do in the first 48 hours will be crucial to your survival. One thing our society tends to do when something epic happens is stand around in the front of the TV, arms crossed, nodding and shaking heads while making comments such as ‘I never should have voted for Obama, this is all his fault’. Hello, wake up, this is counter productive to your survival. This could be your first and most likely your last mistake. The more time you spend standing in front of a TV ohh and ahhing at vision of the Infected running rampant, the further the infection spreads and the lower your chances of survival drop. Don’t stand around. Instead think about getting your hands on a car. Not just any car. A big car. If you already own a 4WD. Great. If you don’t, well you’re going to need a 4WD, and I don’t mean one of those pissy little Suzuki Vittaras. You’re going to need a Toyota Landcruiser. Or a Hummer. If you can get you’re hands on a military grade HumVee you’d be laughing, but your chance of getting one of those in a crisis is about as likely as me getting a blow job off Sasha Grey when I’ve already got my dick in her mouth.
The Car
For the purpose of this guide, I’m going to assume you need to procure the ownership of a 4WD. It would be foolish to think this is an easy task. It isn’t. Well it is, but it isn’t. All me to explain. You need a car that is secure and easy to start, therefore going over the road, smashing the drivers side window and spending an age trying to hot wire Bob’s car might sound like a good idea, but it’s not entirely practical. Lets imagine that you drive off and decide to stop for fuel. You jump back in Bob’s car and fiddle around with the wires trying to get it started. All the noise you’re making alerts some Infected who were happily chowing down on the brains of someone not smart enough to read this guide but have now discovered some fresh, tasty meat over the road. In case you hadn’t realised, I was referring to your stupid self. Suddenly they rush over to you, with little bits of hair and grey matter stuck in their teeth. (I wish I had Sasha Grey’s matter in my teeth). Now you’re entirely vulnerable with no drivers side window and it’s going to take you an age to hot wire the thing, because at the best of times it takes a while, let alone when you have half a dozen Infected breathing down your neck and possibly biting it.
It is perfectly acceptable to take your neighbours car but rather than break in to the car, break in to their house and look for car keys. They usually sit on a bench near the door or somewhere in the kitchen. If you can’t find the keys after a quick scan of the house, leave and try the next house with a suitable 4WD. Now is not the time to sniff Bob’s wifes underwear. Once you find a set of keys you can simply unlock the car, chuck the key in the ignition and be off on your merry way.
Location
The location is probably the most important part of the process and this is something you should give some thought to be prior to the spread of an infection. Most people immediately think a shopping mall is the best place to choose. It’s got lots of shops, and I’ve always wanted to be locked in a shopping mall! Wrong numb nuts, its the worst possible place. In fact if any of your friends suggest the shopping mall, I say let them go on their own, you don’t need them around when normal life resumes and weakening the gene pool. An example of a good location is a bank. They are built to keep people out. They are small enough to manage the perimeter, yet large enough to house 10 – 12 people in comfort. Now ideally, as with the car, you don’t want to break in to the building, because it just hurts the advantage of having a purpose built building. So you want to be friends with your bank manager. Actually. Strike that. If you going to be stuck in your local bank branch for a few months, the last person you want to share that time with is your bank manager, or any bank manager for that matter. Might be easier to go out and get a job in a bank instead. So what you’re want to do is go out today, quit whatever job you have and go and work in a bank.
Another thing to consider is an underground secure car park so you have somewhere to park your 4WD. The last thing you want is someone who is less prepared than yourself coming along and stealing your car.
Hardware
As secure as any bank may seem, you only require two entries. If you can find a bank with only two external doors, fantastic, however I would still recommend following this step, because you’re going to need to board up the windows. Go to a hardware store with a large timber yard because you’ll need some framing timber, some sheets of ply as well as some F17 support beams. We’re gonna build ourselves a quarantine room. While you’re at the hardware store, grab as many tools as possible. Nails guns, drills, axes, chainsaws and so forth. Not only do these come in handy when building your shelter, but they are also useful weapons should the need ever arise. Grab a generator as well because we’re going to need a power source one’s the supply turns off. You might also want to grab some fuel cans so you can stock up before it’s too late. If you’re handy with a welder, it might also be an idea to stop by the steel aisle and grabbing some lengths to reinforce the key parts of the car. Hell you might even want to install a roll cage. This step is really up to you, but provided you’re careful you shouldn’t come to much grief on the roads. If you’re the type of person that sees a whole lot of burnt out cars and general obstacles blocking your path and choose to proceed, I’m going to ask you stop reading now, because quite frankly I think you should just go and grab a gun and see if you can stick it in your mouth and shoot a bullet out your arse. Trust me, if you get the angle right, it can be done…….
Food
When it comes time to get food I have only one suggestion. A big supermarket, preferably a Costco. Why? Because you can get everything in bulk. Chances are the store will be locked, which is where having a big ass 4WD comes in handy, as it also serves as a front door key. You want to get here early before other survivors get the same idea and take all the good stuff. You’re looking for water, energy drinks and non perishable food. There’s little use in buying refridgerated or frozen goods because you’re not going to have anywhere to store it. The general rule with food is too much is never enough. Grab as much as you can fit in the car and then grab another 5 trolleys and strap them to the car. Make two trips if need be, you’re going to be locked away for a while.
If possible, I really do recommend going to a Costco because while you’re stocking up on food you can also grab other essentials such as beds and camping gear. I also suggest grabbing large amounts of condoms. The last thing anyone wants is an unwanted pregnancy during an outbreak. Or a crying baby for that matter. In fact, if anyone in your group has children, make sure they’re excluded from the group before this happens. If you need an excuse tell them you’re a reformed pedophile, and the presence of their child makes you uncomfortable. In your pants.
Entertainment
People get bored. Easily. And when the condoms run out you’re going to need something else. You want to grab as many DVDs, books, magazines as possible to prevent this, they don’t all have to be porn, but I suggest you get as big a selection as possible. The last thing you want is to be slapping your meat to the same old spam sandwich for the next six months. The other thing to consider here is that when people get bored, they take risks the wouldn’t usually bother with. Like running across the road to the local Blockbuster and renting Gigi. I mean seriously, you have to be pretty bored to rent that. I would also suggest that anyone who wants to be rent Gigi has likely been infected, and should be ‘dealt with’ before they have a chance to turn on you. The last thing anyone wants is an Infected within.
Computer goods
Some of you might consider this next step unnecessary, I however find it essential. It might sound like my inner geek breaking through the skin like the pimples on my face, but you need computers. Not only will they help with the last point and provide entertainment, but you can also use them to monitor the outside world. Both via the internet and through the network cameras that you’re going to set up around the perimeter of the building. You’ll need at least a dozen camera plus maybe a few hundred meters of CAT5 network cable. Assuming the infection has not spread world wide, it will also provide a means to communicate with people abroad, and perhaps initiate a rescue response. In hindsight, it might also be worth considering a location where you have easy access to the rooftop that is large enough to land a helicopter.
Weapons and armour
We have already discussed some form of weapons, however if we’re going to be serious about becoming Survivors, we might want to stock some serious fire power. Stay away from shotguns as they take too long to reload. Any automatic machine gun will do and really this choice is all down to personal preference, do you want to kill the Infected, or do you want to kill them. Nothing says fuck you like Infected brains sprayed all over the street. Especially when said brains are arranged in to the word ‘kill‘. One thing that I will stress is motorcycle gear. It is essential for any travel outside of the safety of your shelter. It makes sense that if an Infected can’t bite you, your chance of survival increases, so why not make your skin a little bit thicker and a whole lot more difficult to bite. Plus it also makes you look cool cause we know all the boys with motorbikes get the girls.
Summary
So lets summarise. Get a car. Get supplies – food, water, timber, tools, weapons, armour, computer gear and entertainment. I reckon once you have all that in place, you should be pretty safe from any outbreak. A few parting words.
Don’t open a door unless you know what’s behind it. Especially if it’s the bathroom. You and your fellow Survivors need to respect the kind of diet you’re going to be living on, and after three months your shit is going to smell like dead rats. Better yet, grab a few pallets of air freshener when you’re at Costco and save everyone the horror.
Don’t let anyone else in your shelter. Pretty straight forward really. Every time someone helps someone in an Infected movie, they’re fucked. If you wanna be fucked, let in a stranger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Finally, if they look infected. They are. Unless it’s Amy Winehouse, she just looks that fucked regardless of any infection. And believe me, I reckon she’d have a few infections. It’s probably just better to kill her if you see her cos you just can’t be too safe.
The Ultimate Infected Survival Guide
31 January 2010 18:01 PMBefore we get started, I want to get a few things straight. The Infected are still human. They are as intelligent as humans can be and they are susceptible to the same injuries as humans, albeit their pain thresehold may be a little higher than most. They have become infected with a disease that causes them to become aggressive killing machines and therefore they should not be taken for granted. Survivors are what you’re going to be at the end of this guide. Zombies are not infeceted, nor are they are human. They are the dead come back to life and generally lack the coherent brain function of most humans. If you would like to see some Zombies up close and personal, attend the next Nascar meeting. Braaaaaiiins. Accelearrrrrrrrrrate. (that was a pirate zombie). Turn leeeeeeft. Brrrrraaaiiiins. Turrrrrnnn leeeeeft. Like Zombies, Nascar fans crave what the don’t have. Brains. But I digress.
The following survival guide can be used in any survival situation, however the scenario I have chosen is the day when some scientist with a God complex begins to perform experiments on human beings that go so horribly wrong that it causes the downfall of society as we know it. Alternatively the experiments might be driven by Politicians trying to wage a war on a foreign land, or maybe just the natural evolution of the flu. Look, who gives a fuck how it happens, when an Infected is chasing you down the street, the last thing you’re going to think is ‘Gee, I wonder what happened to Bob? He used to be so nice? Is it because I borrowed his lawn mower and didn’t return it full of fuel? Maybe I should just stop and apologise and get Marge to pop on a cuppa’. No, you’re going to be thinking ‘OMG OMG OMG OMG, what the fuck is going on I don’t wanna die!’ all the while running down the street with no idea what you’re gonna do next. Well if you read this guide it should increase your chance of survival immensely.
When the inevitable happens and Infected own our streets, what you do in the first 48 hours will be crucial to your survival. One thing our society tends to do when something epic happens is stand around in the front of the TV, arms crossed, nodding and shaking heads while making comments such as ‘I never should have voted for Obama, this is all his fault’. Hello, wake up, this is counter productive to your survival. This could be your first and most likely your last mistake. The more time you spend standing in front of a TV ohh and ahhing at vision of the Infected running rampant, the further the infection spreads and the lower your chances of survival drop. Don’t stand around. Instead think about getting your hands on a car. Not just any car. A big car. If you already own a 4WD. Great. If you don’t, well you’re going to need a 4WD, and I don’t mean one of those pissy little Suzuki Vittaras. You’re going to need a Toyota Landcruiser. Or a Hummer. If you can get you’re hands on a military grade HumVee you’d be laughing, but your chance of getting one of those in a crisis is about as likely as me getting a blow job off Sasha Grey when I’ve already got my dick in her mouth.
The Car
For the purpose of this guide, I’m going to assume you need to procure the ownership of a 4WD. It would be foolish to think this is an easy task. It isn’t. Well it is, but it isn’t. All me to explain. You need a car that is secure and easy to start, therefore going over the road, smashing the drivers side window and spending an age trying to hot wire Bob’s car might sound like a good idea, but it’s not entirely practical. Lets imagine that you drive off and decide to stop for fuel. You jump back in Bob’s car and fiddle around with the wires trying to get it started. All the noise you’re making alerts some Infected who were happily chowing down on the brains of someone not smart enough to read this guide but have now discovered some fresh, tasty meat over the road. In case you hadn’t realised, I was referring to your stupid self. Suddenly they rush over to you, with little bits of hair and grey matter stuck in their teeth. (I wish I had Sasha Grey’s matter in my teeth). Now you’re entirely vulnerable with no drivers side window and it’s going to take you an age to hot wire the thing, because at the best of times it takes a while, let alone when you have half a dozen Infected breathing down your neck and possibly biting it.
It is perfectly acceptable to take your neighbours car but rather than break in to the car, break in to their house and look for car keys. They usually sit on a bench near the door or somewhere in the kitchen. If you can’t find the keys after a quick scan of the house, leave and try the next house with a suitable 4WD. Now is not the time to sniff Bob’s wifes underwear. Once you find a set of keys you can simply unlock the car, chuck the key in the ignition and be off on your merry way.
Location
The location is probably the most important part of the process and this is something you should give some thought to be prior to the spread of an infection. Most people immediately think a shopping mall is the best place to choose. It’s got lots of shops, and I’ve always wanted to be locked in a shopping mall! Wrong numb nuts, its the worst possible place. In fact if any of your friends suggest the shopping mall, I say let them go on their own, you don’t need them around when normal life resumes and weakening the gene pool. An example of a good location is a bank. They are built to keep people out. They are small enough to manage the perimeter, yet large enough to house 10 – 12 people in comfort. Now ideally, as with the car, you don’t want to break in to the building, because it just hurts the advantage of having a purpose built building. So you want to be friends with your bank manager. Actually. Strike that. If you going to be stuck in your local bank branch for a few months, the last person you want to share that time with is your bank manager, or any bank manager for that matter. Might be easier to go out and get a job in a bank instead. So what you’re want to do is go out today, quit whatever job you have and go and work in a bank.
Another thing to consider is an underground secure car park so you have somewhere to park your 4WD. The last thing you want is someone who is less prepared than yourself coming along and stealing your car.
Hardware
As secure as any bank may seem, you only require two entries. If you can find a bank with only two external doors, fantastic, however I would still recommend following this step, because you’re going to need to board up the windows. Go to a hardware store with a large timber yard because you’ll need some framing timber, some sheets of ply as well as some F17 support beams. We’re gonna build ourselves a quarantine room. While you’re at the hardware store, grab as many tools as possible. Nails guns, drills, axes, chainsaws and so forth. Not only do these come in handy when building your shelter, but they are also useful weapons should the need ever arise. Grab a generator as well because we’re going to need a power source one’s the supply turns off. You might also want to grab some fuel cans so you can stock up before it’s too late. If you’re handy with a welder, it might also be an idea to stop by the steel aisle and grabbing some lengths to reinforce the key parts of the car. Hell you might even want to install a roll cage. This step is really up to you, but provided you’re careful you shouldn’t come to much grief on the roads. If you’re the type of person that sees a whole lot of burnt out cars and general obstacles blocking your path and choose to proceed, I’m going to ask you stop reading now, because quite frankly I think you should just go and grab a gun and see if you can stick it in your mouth and shoot a bullet out your arse. Trust me, if you get the angle right, it can be done…….
Food
When it comes time to get food I have only one suggestion. A big supermarket, preferably a Costco. Why? Because you can get everything in bulk. Chances are the store will be locked, which is where having a big ass 4WD comes in handy, as it also serves as a front door key. You want to get here early before other survivors get the same idea and take all the good stuff. You’re looking for water, energy drinks and non perishable food. There’s little use in buying refridgerated or frozen goods because you’re not going to have anywhere to store it. The general rule with food is too much is never enough. Grab as much as you can fit in the car and then grab another 5 trolleys and strap them to the car. Make two trips if need be, you’re going to be locked away for a while.
If possible, I really do recommend going to a Costco because while you’re stocking up on food you can also grab other essentials such as beds and camping gear. I also suggest grabbing large amounts of condoms. The last thing anyone wants is an unwanted pregnancy during an outbreak. Or a crying baby for that matter. In fact, if anyone in your group has children, make sure they’re excluded from the group before this happens. If you need an excuse tell them you’re a reformed pedophile, and the presence of their child makes you uncomfortable. In your pants.
Entertainment
People get bored. Easily. And when the condoms run out you’re going to need something else. You want to grab as many DVDs, books, magazines as possible to prevent this, they don’t all have to be porn, but I suggest you get as big a selection as possible. The last thing you want is to be slapping your meat to the same old spam sandwich for the next six months. The other thing to consider here is that when people get bored, they take risks the wouldn’t usually bother with. Like running across the road to the local Blockbuster and renting Gigi. I mean seriously, you have to be pretty bored to rent that. I would also suggest that anyone who wants to be rent Gigi has likely been infected, and should be ‘dealt with’ before they have a chance to turn on you. The last thing anyone wants is an Infected within.
Computer goods
Some of you might consider this next step unnecessary, I however find it essential. It might sound like my inner geek breaking through the skin like the pimples on my face, but you need computers. Not only will they help with the last point and provide entertainment, but you can also use them to monitor the outside world. Both via the internet and through the network cameras that you’re going to set up around the perimeter of the building. You’ll need at least a dozen camera plus maybe a few hundred meters of CAT5 network cable. Assuming the infection has not spread world wide, it will also provide a means to communicate with people abroad, and perhaps initiate a rescue response. In hindsight, it might also be worth considering a location where you have easy access to the rooftop that is large enough to land a helicopter.
Weapons and armour
We have already discussed some form of weapons, however if we’re going to be serious about becoming Survivors, we might want to stock some serious fire power. Stay away from shotguns as they take too long to reload. Any automatic machine gun will do and really this choice is all down to personal preference, do you want to kill the Infected, or do you want to kill them. Nothing says fuck you like Infected brains sprayed all over the street. Especially when said brains are arranged in to the word ‘kill‘. One thing that I will stress is motorcycle gear. It is essential for any travel outside of the safety of your shelter. It makes sense that if an Infected can’t bite you, your chance of survival increases, so why not make your skin a little bit thicker and a whole lot more difficult to bite. Plus it also makes you look cool cause we know all the boys with motorbikes get the girls.
Summary
So lets summarise. Get a car. Get supplies – food, water, timber, tools, weapons, armour, computer gear and entertainment. I reckon once you have all that in place, you should be pretty safe from any outbreak. A few parting words.
Don’t open a door unless you know what’s behind it. Especially if it’s the bathroom. You and your fellow Survivors need to respect the kind of diet you’re going to be living on, and after three months your shit is going to smell like dead rats. Better yet, grab a few pallets of air freshener when you’re at Costco and save everyone the horror.
Don’t let anyone else in your shelter. Pretty straight forward really. Every time someone helps someone in an Infected movie, they’re fucked. If you wanna be fucked, let in a stranger. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Finally, if they look infected. They are. Unless it’s Amy Winehouse, she just looks that fucked regardless of any infection. And believe me, I reckon she’d have a few infections. It’s probably just better to kill her if you see her cos you just can’t be too safe.